Inglorious Fabrications

My biggest problem so far: reading my own writing to really know my story to even work on it. I’ve gone so far as forgetting names.

I’ve really got to work on this.

Early 2011 Resolutions

So, normally I don’t care about the new year. It’s like birthdays, just another year I haven’t died. But I really need to change. Staying the way I am is getting me no where, and 11 is a nifty number. Next year is going to be the year of me!

I really want to finish this story I’m writing as well. My entire life has focused on love and relationships. They never go anywhere and never what I expect. So, I want to make this story the most epic love story (to me at least).

I’m writing this in hopes I follow through. Stayed tuned to find out!

Part II

I can’t fucking find it. The one thing that has been physically haunting me for the past three years is gone. I’ll probably find it one day when I’m least expecting it.  

It was a letter, that he left on my doorstep the night he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. For some reason I could never throw it away. I read it every so often and think back to that day. I was pissed off about it at first, but after awhile I understood why he had to leave. I wouldn’t commit to anything. I wouldn’t be his girlfriend, and I honestly don’t know why. 

The night he told me we couldn’t be friends anymore was the day of my friend’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid, and he was my guest. When he showed up I remember opening the door and him looking at me and saying, “Wow.”  I teased him by telling him I was wearing my corset under my dress. He asked if he was going to be able to see me in it, I said no. After that he seemed distant.  He didn’t stay long. He left when it was still early. I walked him out to his car, he gave me back a book he was borrowing from my sister. Then he said, “I can’t be your friend anymore.” I just did an about face and walked away. I didn’t know what else to do or say. I was so angry. Now I realized I was just being selfish.

He had every right to tell me to fuck off.

I remember back when Adam, William and I used to hang out all the time watching movies and television shows. Depending on if I had a boyfriend me and William would sit extremely close to each other. I always told myself William only liked me because I was really the only female he was around. He finally did admit this at some point. So, really I’m having all these issues about this guy who maybe got out more and met more chicks he never would liked me. Sounds kind of ridiculous.

Everyone could use a time machine.

Despair Needs Company

I’m really trying to write another part to this story I’m writing. It’s been in my head for fucking years and I can’t get it out. I’m getting frustrated. Even extreme despair can’t get my writing going. I think I’m also tried of thinking about it and that’s why I need to write this so I can just stop. I can’t do anything to fix it. All I can do is write about it. Maybe throw in things I wish have happened alongside the things that did happen. I’m just having so much trouble putting them together. 

So, that’s all I can muster up right now. I need sleep.

My Opinion Counts

The quote from (500) Days of Summer, that I posted (because I’m pretentious awesome) reminded me of this one time from my teens. I was talking to this dude who I think may have been hitting on me, when he asked me what do I look for in a guy (I guess he was).  I told this dude that I am interested in men who like the music and movies I like. He made fun of me for this and claimed it was something a 12-year-old would say. 

I thought maybe that guy was right for awhile. Maybe that was a dumb reason to like anyone.  That happened probably 8 years ago, and yet I still hang out and date people who at least don’t like movies and music I hate. 

Part of me wants to say, “Yeah dating someone with different interests is a good thing you can learn from one another blah blah blah.”  The other part of me wants to say “I hate so many things other people like and I don’t want to waste my time on having to deal with music and movies I hate.”  

The interests I have really makes it for a small pool of people I can really get along with. Most of the movies I like are indie and about some sort of heart break.  The music I like isn’t played on the radio for the masses.  Don’t get me wrong I do have my guilty pleasures, but that is for another time.  

I see my annoyance of other people’s tastes in music or movies is like someone who define themselves as “outdoorsy.”  There’s no way I’d get along with someone who wants to go out on hikes and camping all the time. BARF. I like the indoors. I do like to work out (kind of), but indoors (unless it’s raining then lets go outside!).

Browsing Internet personal ads I would always seek out people with similar interests such as myself, but in Bakersfield that’s almost near impossible.  Which is why I always went for people out of this joke of a town.  

One example of my Internet personal ad days I joined a website called gothicpersonals.com; only because I knew goths tend to have a lot of the same music and movie interests as myself. I actually did meet someone I had a relationship for quite awhile who wasn’t goth. We kind of liked the same music, but well enough that I could be in a car with him for a few hours. 

Driving is one of the first things I think about if I meet a hot dude who doesn’t have the same musical interests as me. I think, “FUCK!!!! How, the poop am I suppose to sit in car with this person for hours upon hours?!” Logically, I could sit in a car for hours listening to music I don’t like, but who the shit wants to do that?

Also, fuck logic. 

Same train of thought for movies: How am I suppose to constantly tell my friend/friend with benefits/boyfriend/etc. that I don’t want to see Vampires Suck. Scott Pilgrim vs the World is playing at the same time and is and much better movie! But no, they want to see a shitty movie make fun of Twilight because they love Edward so much or some other ridiculous reason. These are precious hours of my life that I am not wasting. 

The point I think I’m trying to get at is that I base my opinions of other people strictly on what music and movies they like. There are a lot of bands and movies that I don’t care for but I’m fine with people I surround myself liking. I mean my best friend likes a fuckton of movies that I don’t care so much about.  

Fuck it, I’m just going to say it: I don’t want to associate myself with someone who’s favorite “musician” is Ke$ha, Katy Perry, or Britney Spears. Look, I’m fine if you want to causally listen to said what-ever-the-music-industry made them, but shit like that cannot be your favorite. 

Part I of an Untitled Story

She whispered in William’s ear, “God, I’ve missed you so much.” He didn’t even look at her and just laid there as she sat on top of him.  William knew he was with someone else and did not give a fuck anymore about Ella.  

Ella knew William did not care for her anymore like he once did. Everything just seemed to stand still as they sat in their awkward thoughts.  

~

The sun was really bright this morning, I had forgotten to close the blinds last night. Dammit.  Did I dream last night? Oh, I guess I did; about William. How many years has it been now since he refused to take my cell phone number from me? Three years? Two years? I have no idea. I lost track of time. Sometimes William doesn’t even seem to exist anymore. He’s only a dream now.

I get out of bed and take a shower, the dream is still burning in my head. FUCK! That water is hot, I did not want to burn anything literally. I try to ignore my stupid dream. Seriously though, I’m glad William is happy now with whoever he’s with. I only know this from my best friend, Adam, who still sort of communicates with him every once and while…I think.  

Why does my conditoner suck so much? Is my hair too long? I need a haircut…nope, that dream is still there. God, I do miss him so much. I go over in my head and try to think about why I treated him the way I did and why I didn’t want him back then. I did want him. So, why was I a total cunt to him when he was only trying to be nice to me? 

Whatever, I have to go to work. I have to work till 8:30 tonight.  I hate getting off that late sometimes, other times I like it because I don’t have to deal with traffic.  

I don’t need to explain the next 8 hours of my life. It’s work. It’s retail. It’s 8 hours of people being slobs and dickheads. 

8:30 hits. I go home. My mom has some leftover dinner waiting for me. It’s fucking delicious.  Having food is amazing. After living alone for a few months after leaving the boy I was living with I’m not used to regular food. 

Oh yeah, that boy. The boy that got in the way of my feelings for William. How I hate that boy. He doesn’t even deserve a fake name for this story. Fuck that guy. The idea of the boy was way better than it actually was. He left his wife for me and moved all his crap into my studio apartment (his Xbox and his TV).  The first week was amazing, and then all of the sudden we had a three-bedroom apartment on the other side of town. What the fuck did I do? 

Well, he was suppose to have this job that kept him away from home all the time, but the fuckface got himself fired. All downhill from there, no need to go into all those years, I’ve put mistake behind me. 

William on the other hand, I have not put behind me (obviously, if you didn’t get that; then I have already failed at writing).

Read this now! Or later, it’s cool.

I don’t have anything of interest to say in real life.  So, the same probably goes for the written word. I used to write a lot, mostly in real-life journals that no one would read. That may or may not have been hidden under my bed.

But paper is so 1990’s.  So, lets have at this tumblr. thing. The website is kinda fancy and makes me want to write and post things on my pretty page. 

So, here’s my plan for these Inglorious Fabrications: I may take a stab at writing fiction again even though the last time I did was in the 5th grade about a bunny and the book was shaped as a bunny. I’m going to post awesome things I like because I like people knowing the things I like are better than the things they like. Finally, last but not least, getting someone to read this that doesn’t know me. Yay!